Well, well, well (Open)

[lakeripple]

moonlitice

[/color]

listen up girl
and just so you know
everything, everything
was your fault[/center][/font]

Days pass, freezing cold, keeping cats snuggled in dens and dreading their turn on patrol. But for some there was no time for rest. It was obvious who those cats were. The cats who wanted war and those who were pulled into everything by those who wanted war.

Which was Moonlitice? She didn't even know. In the beginning she had thought she wanted to fight, thought that she needed to protect her Clan's honor with tooth and claw. But now... she wasn't so sure. Was it really her own conscience that told her to fight and defend? Or was it another voice, one that was as familiar to her as her own. How could she know? The two had sounded so similar for moons.

What she knew now was that she was dragging, her very essence resisting staying up another minute, let alone a whole patrol. She hadn't slept in four days, whenever she lay down she was hit by terrible shivers that shook her until she got up and nosed her way back into the cold. It had been like that before too, back when she was young and oblivious, a spoiled little brat of an apprentice who couldn't understand why her latest crush treated her like dirt. Like it wasn't obvious. The only cats who had ever liked her were her foster mother, Foxcloud, Firemist, Shadowfire, and some cats her own age from other Clans. The very Clans being prosecuted by her own. What a wonderful friendship present.

And of course, though she was upset at herself for agreeing to this war right now, she could never back down. That was suicide. She was Foxcloud's minion. It didn't matter if she was still happy or not.

It didn't help that she kept having flashbacks and realizing that all along the cat she had looked up to was crazy. It was like StarClan was laughing at her, showing her that everything was all her fault, because she trusted a monster. But how could Foxcloud be a monster? Moonlitice knew that deep down, Foxcloud was a good cat that had just gone through some terrible things. She knew that while everyone else blamed the deputy, there were things they could never understand. The way she gruffly showed her affection through a muffled purr or letting someone rub against her for a little longer than normal. They would never understand the way passion leaked from every word she spoke, as if StarClan themselves had come down and blessed the words. It was impossible to know unless you cared about her.

And yes, Moonlitice cared about Foxcloud.

So why was she being punished? Why must she feel like it was her fault? All she had down was admire a cat who had shown love to her. Was that so bad? No. It just seemed that way in hindsight. Every second she pushed herself to hate every aspect of her being. And it WASN'T her fault!

Sighing, Moonlitice stepped toward the frozen fresh-kill pile and picked up a sparrow to see if she could get some energy to get through the day. She could tell she was going to need it.

[Glyph]

A scrawny tom padded into camp, an equally scrawny squirrel dangling from his jaws. His movements were stiff as he padded toward the freshkill pile, like those of an elder long past their prime, but his eyes were young. They blazed like miniature suns, narrowed against the chill and wind, roaming the camp until movement focused their attention.

Redwing paused, dropped the prey into the pile, and glanced at the she-cat, almost, it appeared, out of boredom. He was disinterested in the sparrow she took; actually, he looked disinterested with her in general. He was just catching his breath, resting up so he'd have the energy to go hunting again, when he noticed how ragged and weary she appeared.

He smirked, humorlessly. "You look about as dead as I feel."


From across the camp, the sound of voices, of movement, brought Jet out of his half-doze. He sat, suddenly on the alert, only to wince. Chilled stone bit him through the pitiful scraps of moss he used as his nest, freezing his paws. The young tom hissed quietly, praying he wouldn't wake up Mint, and turned his jeweled eyes toward the sound, carried farther across the snowy camp by the wind.

[lakeripple]

The meat was tasteless as Moonlitice bit into it, wincing as she bit into frozen bones. Her paws twitched in an effort to keep warm, but the tabby she-cat could already feel the cold tugging on the edges of her fur. Soon she would have to run or go into the den. Most likely she would run, let her feet fly across the forest floor. It was the only thing she truly enjoyed.

A voice calling toward her surprised Moonlitice, and she instinctively flinched, expecting someone yelling at her about what a menace she was and how terrible a cat she was for supporting her friend. But not hearing any abuse coming, she peaked at the cat. He was telling her that she looked terrible. Well, that was a nice change.

"Redwing." Moonlitice sized up the tom, taking in his obvious disinterest in her. Well, that was better than hatred. She watched him smirk, and realized that he thought he was quite funny, clever even. Rolling her eyes, she tried to push aside all of her inner terrors. She had an idiot to deal with.

"Well, that's a new one. I look dead. Yes, revenge of the zombie cat." Moonlitice's eyes glittered with malice and anger. Why did Redwing talk to her if he was so obviously disinterested? And what was that he was carrying? A shrew? No, no, it was a squirrel. A pathetic excuse for a squirrel. Oh, how she hated leafbare.

Staring at the tom, she raked her claws on the ground next to her. "Do you want something Redwing? To what do I owe the honor of your words?" Her ears pricked as Moonlitice heard a tiny hiss, like that from a kit, but she shook it off. It was a bad year. FireClan didn't have any kits.

[Glyph]

Redwing allowed a brow to raise, breaking his otherwise bored expression to pieces. Her flinch hadn't been lost on him, and he could guess at the reasons behind it. Right. He snorted.

"Ouch. I know I'm intimidating, but really, there's no need to cringe like that." He puffed out his chest, pretending to preen and look affronted like he normally would. Then he seemed to lose energy and simply deflated with a sigh. He hadn't been lying, or poking fun at her; he was exhausted, dead on his feet. But he couldn't let anyone know that, either. Back up went the mask of indifference.

"You're going to wear down your claws doing that. The ground's frozen, in case you didn't notice." The ginger and white tom said flatly, taking note of her anger and blatantly pretending to not care. "And the last time I checked, cats were allowed to comment on the wellbeing of their Clanmates without having some ulterior motive." Really, who do you think you're talking to here? I'm just FireClan's resident hothead, afterall. As long as your not a fox, well, you don't matter, now do you? It's not like I have any personality or dreams... He smirked bitterly, not really looking at her anymore.



Jet's ears strained, but the voice he'd heard were too low for him to catch much of anything. Nothing important, anyway. He huffed silently, anger clawing at his insides when he glanced around his "nest". Prison. Scraggly branches, cold stone... He'd given Mint the best of the bedding, and the rock underfoot chaffed his paws. Thoughts of escape swam through his mind, but he pushed them away. He couldn't leave Mint behind at that monster's mercy, and they certainly wouldn't make it very far if they tried to run for it anyway.

Could he even remember which way home was? It had been so long...

[lakeripple]

Just who did he think he was? Moonlitice hissed under her breath, quickly becoming irritated. Cats like him always got on her nerves. They acted like they could take everything, be anyone, do anything! Well he couldn't. Just like he had seen her flinch, Moonlitice saw him deflate. Why was he playing this tough act? He was as asleep on his paws as she was.

"I know the ground's frozen, mousebrain," Moonlitice snapped. "But why should I care if my claws get ruined? Why would I care if it makes it so I can't fight? It won't change the way everyone feels about me. They'll still hate me!" She glared at Redwing hotly, feeling her anger swirl around her head, making her dizzy. The clawing wasn't helping, why wasn't it helping? It always helped!

Her ears drooped at Redwing's other words. "Yes. Yes, of course you can comment. I'm just... not the cat I used to be." Moonlitice curled up on herself, staring at Redwing's paws. She shivered, the cold eating into her skin. Why couldn't she fight it? "I've learned not to trust anyone's motives anymore. It just brings more pain." She looked up at the tom and heated up again. She was talking to Redwing here! He was a hothead, he always twisted things around! Why was she telling him these things! Was she really that desperate?

Her ears twitched as she heard a little rustling, a sound she recognized as a small body turning in a nest. Where was that coming from? Moonlitice strained to hear, but when nothing came, she shook her head. She had bigger problems right now.

[Glyph]

Redwing watched her, a carefully schooled smirk plastered across his muzzle. Not a scowl or a leer or a snarl... Just a smirk. Maybe he was finally mellowing out in his "old age"...

"I don't believe I've met "Everyone". He doesn't sound very nice. You'll have to introduce me so I can have a little chat with him about his attitude."

... Or maybe not. He was still smirking, but his tone was anything but playful. Everyone does not hate you, and even if they did, everyone does not matter...

He paused, raising a brow and curling his tail about his paws. She certainly sounded defeated, now didn't she? Nothing like the arrogant she-kit that he remembered from when he was a senior apprentice. It was kind of irritating, actually - reminded him too much of himself during the first moons after losing Pinekit.

"I can see that," His voice was quiet and without a trace of humor. He let her glare at him for a moment more. Then; "Y'know, if I'd wanted a staring contest, I would've talked to an owl.


Jet stiffened and froze, gaze darting through one of the cracks in the bushes thick weave of branches. Did he have owls to worry about on top of everything else now, too?

[lakeripple]

She listened carefully for any sarcasm or laughter in Redwing's voice and found... nothing. Except for his last comment, of course. But was it possible, was Redwing being nice? That seemed just too strange. Moonlitice was used to strange, but this? Wow, this overstepped the boundary.

"How do you know that 'everyone' is a he? Girls can be mean too, you know." Her voice was just above a whisper, tentative, not sure if she could trust this tom, who a second ago she had been yelling at because of his unfortunate attitude. "They gossip and lie and beat you down about every little thing. Yes, this particular everyone sounds like a she to me."

Moonlitice took in a deep breath. "I know it sounds terrible, but I want to be who I was. She was vain and arrogant and just all around awful but at least she didn't feel this way all the time." Flicking her plumy tail slightly, Moonlitice looked away. "Sometimes I think I would have been a better cat if Littlekit had survived. He mellowed me out. He was just so much better a brother to me than I was a sister to him. And it's my fault he died."

Getting to her feet, Moonlitice looked at Redwing with a sad glint in her eyes. "I seem to ruin everything. It comes back to bite me too."

[Glyph]

Redwing smirked--actually, it was closer to a smile, now. "Okay, she's a she. But I won't go easy on her just because she's a girl." He paused, eyes distant as if in memory. "Girls hit hard... Harder than toms, sometimes." The nick in his ear could attest to that.

The scrawny tom was silent for a long time, staring past the younger she-cat toward the camp boundaries. "You can't change the past. It's gone. All you can do is learn from it."

He glanced at Moonlitice, golden eyes almost soft. Almost. Too many memories were being stirred around, and he couldn't work himself up in this weather. It was just too cold, and he was too tired to be angry right now. It wasn't worth it.

Still, he had to keep up the facade, at least a little. She probably already thought he was going crazy. StarClan, he was starting to think he was going crazy!

"Well, the ground's not splitting open just yet." He dropped to his haunches with a sigh. Her head was above his now - not something he'd usually be happy with, but he'd stopped caring, oh, three moons back. "And right now the only thing biting anyone are the fleas from the Elder's Den, so... You gonna stand, or you gonna sit?"

[lakeripple]

Staring at her sparrow, Moonlitice felt her stomach lurch in disgust. She wanted plump, greenleaf rich prey, not this skin-and-bones crowfood. Turning it over absentmindedly with a paw, she could see just how little of it was actual meat. It made her even hungrier.

"I guess I'll sit if it means so much to you," she murmured, still wondering what was wrong with Redwing. This was just so odd, it was beyond odd. It was... queer. No, even more than that. When she sat back down, the tip of her ears were level with Redwing's eyes. She supposed he liked it that way. It gave him a sense of being greater.

She smiled slightly. "I'm sorry. Leafbare makes me sad and reminissant. I keep on wondering how things would be different if I just changed a few aspects of my life." She bit halfheartedly into her prey and gagged. It tasted dry and bony. Just like it was.

Looking at Redwing, she wondered what had happened to him for the first time. She had never cared too much about what had happened to other cats. It was always herself. But it seemed as if Redwing had trouble in his younger moons too. She was mildly curious.

[Glyph]

"Well, we certainly wouldn't want you keeling over into the freshkill pile, now would we?" Redwing's ears twitched, and he glanced at her wryly, "Someone might mistake you for one of those scrawny squirrels I've been dragging back lately."

Biting back a chuckle, the tom suddenly flopped out onto his side, tucking his paws close to his exposed belly. He smirked when he noticed her cringe at her food, but looked away anyway. He'd never liked being watched while he was eating.

After spending a few moments silently gazing around the camp and letting his eyes flick across each familiar face as he listened, Redwing finally spoke again.

"Leafbare tends to bring that kind of thing out. Unfortunately..." The tom cat bit his lip, twitching his whiskers and narrowing his golden eyes, but he plowed on as if nothing had happened. "If you wonder so much, then why don't you do something about it?"

Perhaps Redwing was being a bit blunt (rude, insensitive, tactless... and probably getting a bit too personal for Moonlitice's taste), but he meant it genuinely, for once. For the longest time after Pinekit's death, he'd sat and moped and wondered, and it had gotten him nowhere. He'd gotten no solace from pondering "what if's" and "could have been's"--only more grief and guilt. It had stolen his life, wasted precious months that he'd never get back. Hearing even the possibility of another cat in a similar predicament, with similar doubts was... disturbing. Sure, she hadn't fallen to pieces like he admittedly had, but... Well, better to have her angry at him than bitter.

[lakeripple]

Against her will, Moonlitice's whiskers twitched in amusement. Redwing was kind of funny. For Redwing. And he wasn't being so... awful now. It was a nice change from the usual. She vaguely wondered if she was making a new friend. That really would be a change.

"I'm not that skinny," she mumbled, staring blankly at her prey. It was just so unappitizing! Man how she hated this leafbare life. "But that squirrel..." Moonlitice shook her head sadly. "I've never seen something so sad."

She looked up in surprise, her ears twitching. "Why don't I do something about it? I can't!" Moonlitice looked down at the ground, air rushing past her ears and her head hot. "I don't remember how to have my own life. I'm too used to being told what to do by so many cats... And Foxcloud won't let me change! That would mean leaving her!" Sighing, she looked at Redwing. "I just don't know what to do and be."

Reluctantly, Moonlitice took a bite of the sparrow. She winced. EWWW!

[Glyph]

"My point exactly." The tom replied dryly, though it was up for debate whether he was talking about the squirrel or Moonlitice.

To tell the truth, he had seen sadder. But was Redwing going to tell the she-cat that?

Of course not.

"Don't remember?" He rolled his golden eyes, making a noise that sounded like a derisive snort and a distant sigh all rolled into one. "That's a ridiculous excuse of an excuse."

[lakeripple]

He was irritating her again. Moonlitice fought back an angry hiss and looked at him strait. Her amber eyes broiled and tossed, looking like flames of death. She knew he wouldn't be intimindated. But she couldn't help being upset.

"Redwing, I haven't lived my own life, had my own choices, since I was a kit. I am responsible for my brother's death, and I know it. I was a spoiled little she-cat who couldn't take care of herself. It it wasn't for Foxcloud, I'd still have cat lick my rump whenever it felt rough." She looked at her paws, delicate and dainty, perfectly sharpened claws and beautiful tabby pattern. She hated them. "But now I don't know what to do with Foxcloud. She's been like my mother. But she isn't, and she'll never be. And I get blamed for things as much as her. And I just don't know how to show them that I'm different. My own cat."

Looking at Redwing again, her eyes were now dull. "You say that it's an excuse, but it's true. Maybe it is an excuse. It doesn't matter. It doesn't make it any less true."

[Glyph]

"It does matter, and it doesn't make it any less changeable, either." Redwing replied irritably, golden eyes boring into the younger cat's, searching her, "I'm not telling you to ditch Foxcloud, but if you want cat's to change their opinions of you, you have to give them a reason. If you can't think for yourself, then of course no one will respect you." His voice lowered until it was almost a growl, "Take charge of your own life, or someone will take charge of it for you."

At his last words, the tom's rant dropped away suddenly, turning cold, but only inwardly. Slowly, painfully slowly, he let his eyes wander to somewhere over Moonlitice's shoulders.

"Tell me," he said softly, gruffly, expression unreadable, "Have you ever heard the story of the two lost kits?"

[lakeripple]

As Redwing ranted, Moonlitice felt a growing sense of sinking into the ground, the earth burying her in self-pity and doubt. But the more he spoke, the more the young tabby wondered: was it her that Redwing was taking about or himself?

She unvolunterily flinched, the hackles rising oin her neck. Why was he pelting her with this anger? He was so serious about this, so full of rage, that she felt sure that it was not just her that he was worried about. In fact, she wasn't sure that she was even the main part of it.

Then he mentioned the story. Two lost kits? A story? More like a nightmare! Who would make a story like that? Something stirred in her though, a curiousity. It was such a strange feeling that she simply shook her head, waiting for him to elaborate. If Redwing was to tell a story, it would be interesting. She was getting a feeling that he was not as angry with everyone around him like he seemed.

[Glyph]

Redwing couldn't help but feel a strange sense of accomplishment when he noticed Moonlitice bristle defensively. Good--it meant that he was at least having some effect on her, and he wasn't wasting his time.

"Hmph." He scowled, but to whom it was directed was up for debate, "I didn't think so. I thought the elders are supposed to be keeping up with this sort of stuff. I suppose I ought to inform you, then." The tom let a derisive snort drift for a moment, irritably-narrowed eyes settling somewhere on the horizon. "Basically, there were these two Clan kits; biggest couple of brats you ever saw and spoiled rotten as crowfood..."

Redwing was very blunt, almost sarcastic as he talked about the constant trouble the two kits, a brother and sister, wound up in. He bristled fervently at their antics around their camp, threw his own snide two cents in when he spoke of their numerous escapades outside of their camp's boundaries, scowled irritably at their blatant disregard for their Clan's rules...

But his voice seemed to grow softer--just a bit--when he spoke of their affection for each other, the fearless bond they shared, the way they stuck by each other's side even when facing the displeasure of their parents and Clanmates.

"And then," After a long silence, Redwing returned his hard golden eyes back to Moonlitice, frown spreading across his muzzle, "one day they had an argument--over something trivial, no doubt--and took it with them when they snuck out of their camp again, just like they'd done a hundred times before... Like they knew they weren't supposed to..."

The tom paused, swiping his tongue across his whiskers in thought, before suddenly barking a harsh laugh. He shook his head, smiling wryly--the stupid, stupid kits...

[lakeripple]

Entranced, Moonlitice listened to ever word of the story. She couldn't help thinking, laughingly, that Redwing would make a good elder. But when he trailed off like that... It made her upset.

"What happened Redwing?" she asked, her eyes wide in sudden horror. What had she done then? She had forced Littlekit to leave the camp with her, and the fox had gotten him. It was all her fault. No doubt, with his dying breath, he had placed the blame on his guilty sister. It was his right.

Her ears drooping, Moonlitice looked up at the sky, wondering when the warm season would come. That's what she would name a kit of her own. Seasonkit or Warmkit. She hated the cold, but the colors in leaffall were pretty. Too bad it was terrible leafbare. Her thin coat just couldn't take this weather.

[Glyph]

"... Badger." After taking a moment to look away, the tom seemed to force the word out. Badgers, foxes, they were all the same in the grand scheme of things. Badgers were just easier to lie with.

He snorted and watched the mist curl through the winter air with a grim sort of attention.

"They let their quarrel separate them, and then the... badger made it permanent." His gaze seemed distant; it was as if the scene were playing out in his minds eye, the two arguing, angry kits stumbling into the dry fields, the badger-fox springing out of its set and taking them by surprise, dividing them in a cloud of terror...

"The tom-kit ran. He was sure his sister was right behind him, like she always was... until he turned to look for her after he stumbled back into camp." The warrior's voice lowered to barely a whisper, and it seemed that more than the horror of a terrible story haunted his golden eyes. "He ran out on his sister over something stupid. He couldn't make up his own mind, and lost her forever..."

Two lost kits... Redwing stopped suddenly, though the story was yet unfinished, and heaved a sigh. Then he tossed a hazy-glance the she-cat's way, voice gruff. "... You okay?"

[lakeripple]

Moonlitice started tearing even more as Redwing continued his story. So similar... so similar. How could it be so similar? How could it possibly be so alike? She stared at her paws and watched, entranced, as a drop fell on it. The she-kit did, the tom-kit died, it was all the same, wasn't it? The faster one left the slower one, left them, sure they were there, and they died. And wasn't a badger just like a fox? They both preyed on cats, it didn't matter their name or shape. She would hate those above her on the food chain forever, because they had taken her brother from her.

And then Redwing asked if she was okay... Moonlitice did nothing for a while, but eventually shook her head. How could she? It was the same story! It was her story!

"Redwing... Where did you get that story? Was it really from the elders?" She shuffled her paws absentmindedly, still staring at the ground. "Because, it sounds familiar. Too familiar." Moonlitice looked up at the tom before her. "Redwing, who were the kits in that story?" She knew that they couldn't have been named Moonlitkit and Littlekit, she had survived, not her brother. But who was to say that... No. No. No.

[Glyph]

"Of course it came from the elders." Redwing sniffed, pretending to study his claws, "FireClan hasn't lost kits to a badger in seasons."

He had used to like to pretend it had been a badger. It had made it easier to look at himself, to see the ginger-and-white pelt, to see the yellow eyes that stared back at him whenever he passed by a puddle or stream. It made it easier to wear this constant reminder, to bear the cruel irony of color.

Yes, it had been a badger that had taken Pinekit, not a fox, never a fox...

The tom's eyes widened suddenly, nearly panicked beneath their glaze. He hadn't meant to tell her, or at least not outright. Contrary to popular belief, he enjoyed sharing his misery about as much as he enjoyed a bee sting to the nose.

So Redwing went with his usual response: a careless shrug, an awkward mumble, something muttered under his breath...