The Teniet Players

[lakeripple]

I'm writing a new book and I want to know what you think of the Prologue and the First Chapter (what I have so far). Please read and comment!

Prologue

A cry went up from the Palace of Heaven. The bell pealed. All in Heaven looked up. The deities were in danger.
From the top of the Truth Tower a terrible sight was beheld. A black deity garbed in a loincloth and surrounded by his demons was holding the Kind of Gods, Oron, over the side. A gasp sounded over Heaven. Evit, God of the Dead, had escaped the Netherland and had returned for revenge on Oron.
“Stop!” A musical voice cried, and now a pale goddess with brown hair had appeared. “Evit, stop! What can I do for which you will deem worthy to stop this treachery?”
Evit turned his red eyes to the goddess. “Danielle, do not interfere. This is between our king and me.”
Danielle rose to her full height and let out a first beautiful note. Behind her appeared five other goddesses, dressed like her in bodices and tutus. They began a song of fear and denial, and those below listened as the Six Music Goddesses cast their spell.
Rage pulled at Evit’s already twisted features. A throaty chuckle came from his raspy lips as he pulled Oron back on solid ground.
He looked below on the ranks of heaven. “You really want to know what will make me spare Oron?” he laughed, keeping a grip on the King’s thought. Heaven watched in terror, for Evit could kill even immortals.
Laia and Lara, the two Harmony Goddesses stepped forward, and chorused in unison, “Yes.”
Evit gave a greedy smile. “You are willing to do anything?”
Danielle looked behind her at the Instrumental Goddesses, who gave their consent. “We are.”
Evit let go of Oron, but kept his shadowy demons guarding the King. “Well then, I pronounce a sentence.” He turned back to the ranks of Heaven, knowing that this would make all those happy people who had been righteous enough to escape the dungeons of the Netherland despair for eternity. “I rob you, the Music Goddesses of your immortality. At the end of one year on Earth, you will come to join me in the Netherland, where you will be my prisoners. If you back down on this, I will kill Oron without a second thought.” He paused and turned to the Goddesses with a sickly smile. “Do we have a deal?”
A shocked gasp rang through Heaven. The Music Goddesses were the heart, the soul of Heaven, and this was perhaps the worst punishment Evit could have wrecked on them, aside from killing their King.
Silver tears ran down Danielle’s pale face. She stared at Oron, her blue eyes staring into his for perhaps the last time. Everyone in Heaven knew the love that the two shared, and now, Oron spoke out.
“Evit, don’t do this,” he whispered. “Take me; just don’t take the Music Goddesses. Don’t do this to Heaven.”
Evit laughed. “It is no longer your choice Your Majesty,” he mocked, knowing that the King was not as powerful as everyone thought. If it hadn’t been for Danielle, Evit would be King of the Gods now, not this little figurehead. “I believe Danielle and the other Music Goddesses must decide this for themselves.”
Danielle bowed her head and beckoned behind her. The Instrumental Goddesses came forward, Jade of the Lute, Cari of the Violin, and Yssie of the Guitar. Jade walked past Danielle, her black hair tied in a large bun on the nape of her neck. Her gray eyes wandered from Evit to Oron.
“We would never betray our King,” she whispered. “And so Heaven does not lay to the mercy of Evit, we shall leave.”
A cry went up from the ranks of Heaven, a cry from Oron, and a cry from the whole Earth. The God of the Dead let out a triumphant howl. He pulled Jade to him.
“Now that you have accepted, I will make one final change. In order to make absolutely sure you will all come at the end of the year,” here he smiled showing blackened teeth. “I will take Jade now.” Evit raised a hand in front of Jade’s terrified eyes and plunged it to her heart. The Lute Goddess gave a shuddering gasp and her eyes went dim. She was now Evit’s forever.
Danielle let out a cry of despair, staring at her dead friend. Her blue eyes shone with terror and grief.
Evit smiled. “Good, you will come.” And so he swiped a hand past the remaining Music Goddesses and took their immortality. Then he left Heaven, taking Jade’s body with him.

Chapter One

Jade

She could feel a pull at her wrists, and could sense pain all around her. Yet Jade refused to open her eyes. That was what he wanted.
Behind her came a gruff voice. “Yah know, he’ll be easier on yah if yah cooperate.”
Jade reluctantly opened her eyes and peeked around. There was a skeleton, driving the cart she was tied to. Taking a deep breath, Jade found her voice.
“Who are you?”
The skeleton laughed. “I’m the prison guard. Evit says he has special plans for you. I’m taking you to the throne room now.”
Jade hadn’t asked what was going to happen, and knowing that Evit had “special plans” made her feel worse. Her heart longed for her sisters in music, longed for the feel of her lute in her warm hands, the sound of Danielle’s voice. She bit her lip, fighting a sob.
Too soon, the cart stopped. Jade could hear the skeleton getting out. She looked away as she felt his bones untying her. The prison guard grasped her shackles and pulled her along, taking shallow, hollow breaths.
He led her to a black marble door with pictures of demons carved on it. Jade averted her eyes and mumbled a prayer. Then the doors opened, and everything was much worse.
There was Evit, on a black marble throne, strumming her lute! Cast at his feet was her body in an awkward position, dress shredded, and her hair falling across her face. Rage filled Jade to the brim, but before she could react the skeleton forced her into a bow.
Slow clapping could be heard from the throne. “Welcome Jade,” Evit announced. “Welcome to the Netherland. I am quite impressed by your bravery; you have not yet let yourself be broken. In due time, in due time…” He chuckled.
Jade raised her white face, gray eyes glaring up at Evit. “Why did you do this Evit?” she asked, wanting to scream, to strike him.
Evit laughed. “With the Music Goddesses out of the way, Heaven will crumble, and I will rule.”
Feeling her gaze go foggy, Jade blinked quickly. She knew that what Evit said was true, that without the music that give light to every new day, Heaven would grow depressed, Oron would stop ruling, and it would be safe for Evit to seize the Kingdom in the Clouds. It was a well-known fact, but she had hoped that it had been kept from Evit.
“So, this was your plan all along? You never really would have killed Oron?”
Evit smiled. “Killing His Majesty was a back-up plan.”
Jade stared at the floor. “What do you intend to do with me?” Her hands shook, and she kept her eyes firmly fixed on the floor.
“Hmm,” Evit began. “Play a bit, watch a bit, then put you with my other trophies.” He stood up and walked off his throne. Jade felt the room get colder as he came closer. Then he was right in front of her. “Look up,” he whispered. Jade kept her face staring at the ground.
Evit grabbed Jade’s chin and forced her to look up at him. “I am your master now. You will do as I say.” He chuckled at Jade’s stony glare. Grasping her shackles, Evit pulled Jade to the center of the room.
“You know, I always found you the prettiest out of all the Music Goddesses,” he whispered in her ear. “I always wanted you in my treasure trove. And now look, I have my wish.”
Jade turned away from him, keeping her gaze levelly away from his red stare. A single silver tear ran down her face.
Evit let go of the shackles, then crushed them in his hand. Then he thrust the lute at Jade. “Play,” he commanded.
Taking her lute, Jade felt tingles run up her “body”. She cradled it, then began to tune. Finally, she rested it on her knees and started a tune of mournful tune of misfortune.
The God of the Dead stared at her. “I know you are no Danielle, but you should sing while you play.”
Giving a silent nod, Jade began again. The intro wove a sad, musical tale of loss, and then she began to sing, her voice not matching Danielle’s, but still weaving a beautiful array of notes.

Oh, Girl of Legend
Oh, Girl of the Trail
Oh, Girl of Champions
Even if you fail

Hero was she
Hero of me
Hero for women and girl
Bringing light
To that horror of night
Till cut down where she stood

Oh, Girl of Legend
Oh, Girl of the Trail
Oh, Girl of Champions
Even if you fail

Your name lives on
Through story and song
You tune shining
Light blinding
Oh, Girl of Champions

A bark of a laugh issued from Evit after the ring of the last note ceased. “Interesting, how you choose that song. You’ll be meeting Shal soon enough.”
Jade stared up at Evit in silent horror. “You stole Shal?” she asked. Shal was The Girl of Champions. When she died, Heaven had a special place prepared for her. Yet she had never come.
“Of course,” Evit sounded surprised at the question. “I did tell you that you’d be put with my other trophies. I have a nice little collection. You’ll see soon enough.” He stared at Jade for a few moments. “Perhaps, a show?” he asks.
Unnerved at what this “show” might be, Jade stayed silent and stared at the ground. Taking this to be a yes, Evit raised his hand. In front of Jade appeared a black orb with a picture growing larger in the center. Jade gasped once it came into focus. It was her sisters in Music.

The Music Goddesses

Danielle began with a high, pure note. Her Goddess clothes were gone, replaced with a torn white dress. Likewise, her sisters were dressed in peasant garb. They walked across the mountain pass, singing their lament.

Together, we five
Alone we feel
For the stone has fallen
And the sky is dark

Notes from the staff
Played so slow
Like gentle music
Playing below

Brave music girl
Come marching home
Brave music girl
Come marching home

Lost is our heart
Forever gone
We will be united
It won’t be long

That wonderful day
So bittersweet
The clouds will still be gray
Waiting to break

Brave music girl
We’ll meet again
Brave music girl
We’ll meet again

With a gesture Danielle stopped the song, and she stared above at Heaven. Just a day dawned like any other had perhaps doomed the world forever. Poor Jade… Tears fell down her face, and she bowed her head.
Cari came up and placed one light brown hand on Danielle’s shoulder. When Danielle looked at her, she picked up her violin and began to play Jade’s favorite song. Smiling, Danielle sang along

While the rain falls
We are one
Though it may seem
Like we are done
Always, always
Music our heart
Our ear, our soul
Music

Now the other three joined them, Yssie strumming her guitar softly and Laia and Lara harmonizing with Danielle.

And fear is just
Another rhythm
To overcome
Du-de, Du-de
Du-de

The last notes faded into oblivion, and they stayed quiet, mourning their lost sister.

[~*Pikeru]

I'd give it an S+!!! ^^


Though, I have to admit it might not be something I'd be into. Don't get me wrong, it is AWESOME!!! Just that I don't read these kinds of books. I read Warriors, books about dragons, and I do believe a read a book about an apprentice who had a power that sucked the magic out of the land, and she didn't even know it. (Can't remember the title)

[lakeripple]

Yeah, I don't usually read this stuff. But I started writing randomly last night and I LOVED it...

[Rosefeather]

Well it's the kind of story I'd read. I really like it!!! Post the rest of the chapters as you write them please!

[lakeripple]

Yeah, I'm working on Chapter Two now!

[lakeripple]

Chapter Two

Jade

Her lute was wet with her shed tears. Jade buried her head in her hands, crying. Her sister’s lament reminded her that although they would meet again in a year, that it would be a sad day for all of the realms, living and dead. She quietly plucked out a tune on her lute. It flowed into one of the songs that they had sung. “Du-de, Du-de, Du-de,” she whispered.
Evit watched impassively. He swept away the orb and extinguished the picture. “Quite enough of that,” he said slowly.
Wiping her eyes, Jade looked up slowly. “And what was the meaning of torturing me like that?”
Smiling, Evit stared at her with his red eyes. “Believe me my dear Lute Goddess, it was not meant as a torture, but rather as a reassurance that your sisters are well and good.”
Jade glared at the God of the Dead. “They are hurting!”
Now Evit laughed. “Well of course they are. It is quite natural. I believe it is called grief.”
Still crying, Jade continued to play her lute. She did not add her voice to the mournful song. It just kept going and going…
After a while Evit stood up. “This tires me Jade. I believe you can be taken to your new room now.”
Jade turned quickly as the skeleton walked over to her back. “The empty one in the Trophy Wing, master?” he asked.
Evit nodded slowly. “Yes, that should do nicely.” He sat back on his throne, eyes staring without emotion. “I do hope you aren’t too angry with me Jade,” he said with a hint of a laugh in his voice. “After all, my trophies must stay just that.”
Bowing her head, Jade followed the skeleton, knowing that she didn’t have much of a choice otherwise. She clutched her lute close, plucking out little tunes now and then, crying in between.
The prison guard led her down a marble hall lit with ghostly green lights. A magnificent door came into view, carved of silver granite. Instead of demons, stars adorned it, shining in the green light. An inscription on it read:

The Stars Shine on the Trophies Inside

Jade shuddered. Evit was really obsessed with this trophy thing. Well, no matter what, she wasn’t going to be one of his little treasures. No one should be.
The prison guard led on; through the doorway inside were several doorways, all with silver plaques. Jade was filled with rage at some of the names.

Shal: The Girl of Champions
Eldritch: The Half-God
Vita: The Goddess of Life
Tre: Chief of the Wood Tribe

Some of the names were those of the most righteous on Earth during their time, like Shal and Tre. But Vita and Eldritch had been born in Heaven. Both had disappeared some hundred years back, but none had suspected that Evit had stolen them.
Finally, the prison guard stopped at a door with a blank plaque. Raising a sharp knuckle bone, he scratched in the words

Jade: Goddess of the Lute

He opened the door and pushed her in. “Enjoy.”
Jade looked around. It was like a prison. There was a lumpy bed in one corner, and a hard chair in another. A bureau stood against one wall, and when she opened the drawers, they were all full of ripped green clothing. A note on the dresser said, “Wear these”. Frowning, Jade took off her soiled clothes and slipped into the ripped clothes. Then she began looking around again.
There were bars on the walls. Black bars inside, with small spikes coming out of them. Also, there was a door leading into the next room. She walked towards it.
Knocking softly on the dark wood, a sad voice said “Come in.” Jade clutched her lute close, and, opening the door, walked through. She gave a soft gasp at whose room she had walked into.
There, sitting on the bed, was a pretty woman with curly brown hair and the large green eyes, dulled with sorrow. She was dressed in the same ripped clothes that Jade was, but she was wearing brown. She looked up, and her eyes grew more sorrowful. “No, not you too,” she whispered.
Jade ran to the woman. “Vita!” she cried, clutching the other goddess’s hands. Jade stared at Vita with hungry eyes, looking for a trace of the happy Goddess of Life. She wasn’t there.
Vita closed her eyes. “Oh Jade. I prayed he would never get another God or Goddess. Evit has much to answer for, but I have tried to break free and go back to Heaven, and found it impossible. Evit owns us.” She stared at Jade. “But why would he want a Music Goddess out of the way? I understand why the God of the Dead would want to stop the Goddess of Life, but you don’t fit that understanding.”
Staring at the ground, Jade told her story, ending with seeing her sisters’ grief, and yelling at Evit. As she spoke she strummed her lute, calming herself as she usually did.
The entire time Vita had her eyes closed, and an expression of deep pain. The once always cheerful goddess had been a prisoner here for over a hundred years, and that had sapped her of all hope. Now she felt as if the world was at an end.
“At the end of a year, the other Music Goddesses will join us?” Vita whispered. “That is terrible, Heaven will not survive.”
Jade sighed. “Evit knows that, and that’s his plan. He will take over Heaven as it crumbles. Then he will be Lord of the Gods, not Oron.”
Vita stared at the ground in despair. Her life had drawn to a shuddering close when Evit had taken her soul. He couldn’t kill those in Heaven in that sense of the word. Those who were sent to the Netherworld wandered without shape. Yet those he stole he took by drawing their soul out of their body. The soul had shape. It was the person. Sometimes Vita wished she was one of those shapeless wanderers. No thoughts, no feelings, no pains.
The silence was only broken by the occasional thrum of a string. Jade kneeled over her instrument, carefully guiding her fingertips over the array of strings. Eventually her fingers grew tired of the plucking, and she placed her lute on the ground.
“What happens here?” she asked Vita, her voice coming out in a hoarse whisper.
Vita rubbed the back of her hand, and her eyes darkened. She turned away. “You’ll find out soon enough without me worrying you beforehand,” she whispered. “You’d best get back to your room now, they’ll be coming by any minute now.”
Opening her mouth to ask who, Jade heard tromping footsteps outside. Vita looked up quickly, and motioned for Jade to leave. “They like seeing us individually,” she whispered. Scared, Jade went out the door, back to her own, solitary room.

Danielle

The sky was dark and starry. Danielle frowned, her green eyes wandering the endless night. She had sung about this in songs, but never really seen the night. It was never night in Heaven.
Rising above slowly was the great silver disk, the moon. Danielle had never met the Goddess of the Moon, Luhe, for she was always busy and could never take a break. It must be tiresome to circle about the Earth forever.
She glanced back at her sleeping companions. Cari and Yssie had put their instruments in cases and were sleeping with them hugged close, so the cold would not crack them. Laia and Lara were next to each other, their flaxen hair mixing. They were the twins of harmony.
There seemed to Danielle as if there was a big hole in the middle. Jade. Perhaps the quietest of the group, she had always preferred to let her emotions come out in her beautiful cords. Yet she was, perhaps, the bravest of all of them. Just the thought about her lost sister made Danielle’s heart ache.
Turning back to the silver moon, Danielle wondered how she was going to get through this next year, knowing that she could see Jade soon, but realizing that when she did Heaven would fall to the mercy of Evit. Tears blurred Danielle’s vision.

As the moon doth rise
‘Bove yonder horizon
You wonder why
It must rise again
Lady Luhe, Lady Luhe,
Showing face from the bridge
Go back, go back
So day’ll rise again.

Danielle bowed her head, and prayed quietly. She turned about as she heard a stirring. Sitting up, Cari gave Danielle a forced smile.
“Danni, come to sleep now,” Cari whispered, so not to wake Yssie. “Everything will be all right, you’ll see.”
Crawling over to Cari, Danielle sighed. “I hope you’re right Cari. I really hope you are.”
As Danielle lay down to rest, the trees echoed with her song

Lady Luhe, Lady Luhe,
Showing face from the bridge
Go back, go back
So day’ll rise again.

Evit

The God of the Dead paced back and forth, red eyes wild and angry. He turned to his messenger, the demon Lasunin and growled “Well?”
Lasunin bowed as low as he could go and stared up with a scared gaze. “Oron has sent out Jennet, my Lord.”
Rage filled Evit to the brim, and he stared at Lasunin with his most forceful glare. “Are you sure?”
Trembling, Lasunin tried to keep his composure. “I’m quite positive my Lord.”
Evit let out a roar. “The Goddess of Unity, out and about! I knew I should have stolen Jennet when I had the chance!”
Still bowing, Lasunin tilted his head toward Evit. “Why don’t you?”
Looking at his demon, God of the Dead raised one black eyebrow. “Keep talking.”
Lasunin stood up. “Steal Jennet before she gets around the world. If she cannot finish unifying the people, they will be no threat. She will also be a marvelous addition to your collection.”
Pausing, Evit laughed. “What a wonderful idea Lasunin! Go and fetch Saktan and Pasakitan and bring Jennet to me.”
As the demon went out the door, Evit laughed softly. If Oron thought he could be defeated, he would most definitely be wrong.

[Stevunfose]

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